Anxiety, Emotions, & Freedom
A meditation on being happy regardless of what the rest of the world is doing
Anxiety
I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I didn't have a good reason why.
In years past, this would have resulted in avoidance or reactivity, e.g.:
Distracting myself by burying myself in work
Distracting myself by losing myself in the internet (Instagram, Youtube, Reddit)
Making snap decisions to "fix" the first thing that seemed to be causing the anxiety (e.g. reaching out to someone to enforce a boundary)
Fortunately, I am wiser now and listen to my therapist's advice to sit with the anxiety. I did none of those things.
Instead, I recognized the fact that I was anxious without judgment and laid down to meditate for 15 minutes. Feeling less panicky, I blocked my Instagram and walked in the sunshine to a favorite cafe with a pen and my journal. I got some favorite food, and explored where the negative feelings might be coming from.
When I finished, the anxiety at least was no longer a mystery: there were seven distinct things that had been swimming below the surface. This alone was progress for I was no longer "out of control". I was simply having a sensible reaction to perceived pressures in my life.
Naturally, I felt the temptation to try and find resolutions for these things Right Now.
However, I have learned that searching for solutions when anxious leads to reactivity: wild action that often creates more problems than it solves. Better to do nothing and wait until I feel calm to determine, "Is this still a problem? Does it need any action at all?"
Instead I did some Positivity Journalling, to redirect my focus away from the negative and re-center it on the positive.
Being Okay
These different choices represent significant progress for me.
When my cofounder fired me from my own company, one of the criticisms he levied at me was that I make others responsible for my emotions.
Though I disagree with him on many things, I felt there was some truth to this particular criticism. Despite feeling attacked, I am proud that I did not defend myself and instead asked, "Could this be right?" I made the decision to learn and grow from it.
The ensuing months taught me that I had a "Conditionally Okay" mindset. Meaning, I felt safe and okay about my life so long as the external world cooperated with my expectations.
When external reality didn't cooperate, I felt bad: anxious, irritated, etc. I sought to exert control over the outside world so that I might return to feeling okay.
My research into fixing this revealed the possibility of the "Unconditionally Okay" mindset: feeling safe and okay no matter what outside reality is doing. Michael Singer's The Untethered Soul was particularly instrumental in opening my mind to the possibility of being Unconditionally Okay.
An Example
As coincidence would have it, a friend reached out to me during my journalling to let me know he'd ended things with the girl he'd been seeing.
They'd been having friction, and the straw that broke the camel's back was an event yesterday where she'd had expectations around his behaviour that he couldn't meet due to previous commitments. She'd felt angry, and lashed out.
Her behaviour felt like the Conditionally Okay mindset to me. She'd had expectations around his behaviour that didn't get met, and she didn't feel okay as a result.
Like myself, it seemed she didn't realize that it wasn't my friend's behaviour that was causing her to feel bad. Rather, it was her expectations and her need for them to be met so that she could feel okay. In not recognizing the true source of her pain, she was unknowingly making herself a victim to the outside world (in this case, my friend's actions).
I.e., the same thing I've done for much of my life.
Freedom
The events of today underscored for me the importance of assuming responsibility for bringing oneself back to feeling okay. When we blame the outside world, we train the Conditionally Okay mindset and enslave ourselves to the universe's whims. When we recognize that the issue is our expectations and need for them to be met to feel okay, we train the Unconditionally Okay mindset and free ourselves to feel good regardless of what the universe does.
When we feel good no matter what's happening, we can engage with reality - and the people in it - exactly as they are rather than how we wish they were. We free ourselves from neediness.